Christmas is the only time I switch my writing focus from landscaping to more of a personal note. The silent struggle of who we are and what we do to gain significance is not spoken of in our culture. If we talk about it, we talk to a counselor, a pastor or a close friend. Developing a positive identity (not an ego) is something we all wrestle with. Maturity helps with this as well as the experiences we go through, however problems in life can com- pound this journey. We all have our own journey, and in sharing mine my hope is that I can help you with yours.
I appreciate that faith is a personal journey and mine is no exception. I am going to be very honest about my life and how through faith I found my identity and significance.
My journey started with tragedy at the age of eight. It is from this tragedy that I mark my life. I felt like a forest that had been ravaged by fire, taking lives and destroying property. However, as in nature, it eventually rains and in time new life emerges. That’s my life in a nutshell. I come from a family of 3 boys. One day we were playing around an abandoned home which, unbeknownst to us, had a well. I stepped on the lid of the well, which was unsecured, and the lid gave way under my weight. Fortunately, I caught myself. My two brothers were with me. Rick was seven and Bobby was five. Before I continued the climb, I warned Rick not to step on the lid and I told Bobby to go home because it was too dangerous for him. Bobby didn’t go home.
That night at dinner time, we always ate as a family, but Bobby wasn’t there. It never occurred to my 8-year-old mind until then that Bobby had followed us, stepped on the lid, and fallen in. The firemen came to drain the well and confirmed to my parents that my brother had drowned. By then it had been 3 hours, and my little brother was in heaven. The hours that followed were so horrendous that I could not even process it. We were all in absolute shock. I had never heard my parents nor my grandparents (we were living with them) cry as they did. I can’t recall what Rick and I did, probably just went to our bedroom and eventually fell asleep. The only thing that I can recall is my mom blaming me for Bobby’s death. It took a while for the gravity of that accusation to hit me and when it did, I didn’t know how to deal with it. As I got older, I understood that her statement was said in absolute grief, but because of that statement I feel as though I have attended hundreds of funerals, and the sense of death has never really left me. Through school and sports, I could block it out, until something triggered it. We would drive by a cemetery, or I would see a hearse or an ambulance, and the heavy guilt would come rushing in. I could not control It. It literally stopped me, and I needed to be alone. My mom would take us to “see Bobby” at his grave, which strangely helped. After the crying, we would always pray and thank God that Bobby was with Him. My mom prayed because dad never came, at least not with us. In my mind the same thought would reoccur, “if only I had checked to see if he obeyed me, none of this pain would have happened.” Heaven was my only consolation that Bobby was not dead, that he was waiting for us and having a great time while waiting. Had it not been for that truth, I’m not sure how I would have dealt with the guilt. It became my anchor of hope.
As I matured, I excelled in school, won many awards for scholastic achievements, even became Student Body President of my High School. I was voted “Teachers Choice” three out of four years and “Most Likely to Succeed” for all four years. Yet with all this, the guilt that I lived with made any joy short lived. The guilt was like a can- cer that ate away at all the good things that came my way because of my achievements. Much of my early adult life was like this and becoming a dad of two girls was bittersweet. The thought of some- thing similar happening to them made me hypervigilant; always looking for the “camouflaged wells” that they could fall into. I be- came a Christian as a teenager, so by the time we had the girls I had some knowledge of the scriptures. I heard the teaching of forgive- ness many times but could never get free of the guilt. I knew I was born again. I knew God had forgiven me and that He did not hold me responsible for Bobby’s death, but I could not forgive myself. I didn’t know how. I sensed His presence with me, which was a huge comfort, but this incident was so deep inside of me I wasn’t sure if even God could reach it. Lisa and I got married young and were too young to have the responsibility of being parents. Our insecurities got the better of us, so we argued a lot. In the back of my mind, I questioned whether I could do this. Could I raise these two girls, be a husband, and work my way up the ladder all the while dealing with bosses that acted like ex-drill sergeants? The guilt inside me made everything so much more difficult. There was no rest, and no escape, everywhere I turned there was tension, stress, and problems demanding my attention. The promise of God’s peace eluded me. This went on for several very long years. On one of the more difficult days I recalled an experience I had at church camp. I remember going off into the woods with just me and my Bible. As I read, God’s presence met me. I recalled the joy and the sense of wholeness, as in coming home to a place where I belonged. I decided to return to the reading of the scriptures, and He met me again. My time with God became my only retreat where I found peace, strength, encouragement, and a hope for a better future. I stayed steadfast to this time Him, even reading in freezing temperatures as I ate my lunch outside. For that half hour, my Bible, my blanket and His presence were all I focused on. It was like He stopped His day just to be with me. Weekends, I spent an hour, getting up before the family. It was the one joy that I could count on. I began to change as His presence grew within me.
I began to excel again, yet there were a few times the girls had near death experiences that set me back. Jessica (my youngest) almost drowned and I lost it, scolding 8-year-old Amber for not watching her better. Lisa had to come and settle me down, and later I needed to ask Amber for forgiveness. As I continued in His Word -the Bible, I continued to get stronger and could better deal with work stress and life in general. I left the corporate world and started my own landscape maintenance company. I would call on apartment complexes large and small. It seemed that every one of them had a female manager. I needed to give them a bid and then after getting the con- tract, I reported to them. Flirtation became expected, so I learned how to navigate without being insulting. I was friendly but kept the conversation professional. I felt like Joseph, and these women were like Potiphar’s wife (a story in the Bible). Aside from that, the stress of running a business was overwhelming. Yet even that was slowly being conquered by knowing and believing God’s promises. Regard- less of the chaos of the day, my lunch time was when I got recharged and took a break from the daily fight. Our marriage got better as Lisa realized that running a business was a team effort, I needed her help. Finally, as I got closer to 40 yrs. of age, I became strong enough to face the two biggest monsters in my life – fear of not getting jobs (at this point we were mostly a landscape company) and the inability to forgive myself. I told the Lord that I was fed up with doubting Him and allowing fear to control me, that I was going to put my trust Him period. Proverbs 3:4-5 became my stake in the ground, and the armor I wore when fear came calling. Ephesians 2:4&5 became my ticket to forgiveness. I was able to go back in my mind remembering that confused, fear-filled little boy and I forgave him. He did nothing wrong; he was just being an adventuresome little boy with no con- cept of danger, especially death. Death had never been part of his world, so he had no reference to it.
Ephesians 2:4&5 “But God, who is rich in mercy, because of His great love with which He loved us, even when we were dead in trespasses, made us alive together with Christ” (by grace you have been saved), and raised us up together, and made us sit together in the heavenly places. I believed it, and for the first time I felt whole. The heavy bur- den that I had carried for so many years was gone. I could breathe. It was an incredible feeling. God finally went deep enough inside me that His Grace reached the hidden fears of insecurity and unforgivable shame. I came home that day feeling like Superman. I was bullet proof. The internal battles were now finally conquered. From now on the battles were going to be coming from the outside, and I was ready for them… People will say “Oh I know that God loves me,” but their life does not show His love. They are easily offended, lack grace and kindness, especially in the rough spots of life. Anybody can be nice when life is going their way. However, in the hard times, how are we? Are we hard to get along with, do we blame others for our problems, do we have a temper; or do we demonstrate joy and peace and give grace to others when they fall short? Also, God’s love doesn’t prevent hard times from coming; not at all. However, His love gives us the hope, confidence and strength to go through the hard times (Psalm 23). Stress, pain, and heartache are sure to come, but He’s there. Much like crutches help us when we break a leg. A broken heart still hurts, but because of His love, there is healing. How would we ever know the love of God if our struggles didn’t force us to Him? Left to our own, we would indulge ourselves. That is just the reality of who we are. Struggles prove that indulgences are not the answer, and getting what we want does not prevent hardship, or really make us truly happy. True life is much deeper than that. We need a God that can forgive, heal, grant wisdom and give us comfort, especially in difficult times. It’s the hardships that cause us to discover Him. They are necessary to tear our hearts away from this materialistic and superficial world and discover God’s world. There’s a great saying that goes, “a great relationship is made up of two great forgivers.” This is true on a human level, but it is true on a heavenly level as well. I can forgive because I have been forgiven. Because of the clean slate that has been offered to me, by the only One that has an absolute right to condemn me, who am I to not forgive others? My hope for us all is that we take our pain, fears, Insecurities to the God who Is big enough to deal with them. He is your biggest Fan, your closest Friend and gives the best hugs ever!